The depressed traveler. Sounds like an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. You're probably wondering how traveling could ever tie together with the feeling of depression. Truth is that I, yes I, the world traveler, the adventurer, the explorer of new places, the social friend-making backpacker, the teller of all my travel stories, the travel blog writer, I deal with bad anxiety and slight depression. It's easy to think that traveling is nothing short of fun times, creating great memories, relaxing on a white sandy beach, soaking up the sun, meeting awesome new people, shopping until you drop, eating delicious food, drinking fruity cocktails out of a coconut, and leaving all of your work, stresses, problems, and worries behind. Well, don't get me wrong, traveling can and does include all or some of those things from time to time but, it surely isn't always sunshine, kittens, unicorns, and rainbows, which I wish it was because I love all of those. In a previous blog post I wrote about the many ugly and stressful things that traveling can entail. Those things are normal. They're pretty inevitable for a frequent traveler, actually. My issue isn't facing the various problems that traveling may bring you. To be honest, I've been traveling for so long now, on and off for over seven years, I've faced and overcome so many different travel-related problems. I'm a great problem solver, I try to be as prepared for anything as I can be (while expecting anything to happen) I'm quite experienced, and I can figure just about anything out. I'm a pretty smart and strong person.
My issue is my anxiety. I have traveled to some of the world's most beautiful places, I have met some of the most incredible people, and I have done some of the coolest things. But, none of that provides inner happiness. I have dealt with some level of anxiety almost all of my life. It just manifested in different ways. It has definitely amplified the older that I got. Work, money, daily life stresses, normal "adult-life" commonalities, all are contributing factors to an already underlying and existing condition. I chose for so long not to seek therapy as well not to ever take medication for my anxiety. I finally decided to seek a therapist just over a year ago and it was one of my best decisions that I've ever made. Not the medication part. That, I still choose is not for me. Speaking with someone does wonders for your mental health but it doesn't "cure" your anxiety by any means. It sure does help by learning coping skills though, and by further understanding your triggers, symptoms, and contributing factors. You learn how to deal with it. My therapist even chuckled at my love for travel despite functioning on a fairly high level of anxiety the majority of the time. Many people dealing with high anxiety tend to keep within their comfort zones and familiarities. This can make the idea of traveling to foreign countries pretty daunting. So much unknown, so many "what ifs", so many possible problems and potential issues. Even the givens of traveling can heighten anxiety such as so many different, loud, or annoying sounds, unsanitary environments, crowds of people, language barriers, navigating new cities, lack of sleep, unhealthy eating habits, lack of routine exercise, getting ill, time changes, being alone, never being alone, always being aware of your surrounding for safety, spending money, and much more.
So why do I travel then? I'm still figuring that out. Yes, of course, I absolutely love seeing new places, exploring new towns, photographing nature's beauty, soaking up the sun on beautiful beaches, being around new cultures, learning about other countries, eating the freshest tropical fruits, meeting new travelers, witnessing how others live around the world, helping others travel more often with my blog and by giving advice, and so much more that traveling can bring. But, I'm still learning the true internal reason why someone like me, who deals with anxiety on a daily basis, loves to travel.
It's a bit of a juxtapose for me to be such a lover of travel and deal with such anxiety. I have always been one to prove things to myself. I like to prove that I can and will do anything that I try, or at least try my very best. I like pushing myself to see how far I can go. My therapist once said that I'm someone who likes to push myself to the edge of teetering on high anxiety by doing things that can be very scary for those with anxiety such as when I competed in the Miss Illinois USA pageant in 2012, and of course by traveling to over 73 countries around the world on my own. I really enjoy trying new things, challenging myself, and learning what I'm capable of doing and seeing what I struggle with. Yes, it's definitely far easier to stay simple and at ease with a more subtle routine but it's not what I yearn for. I have always been a busy bee, an over-acheiver, a go-getter. I've always juggled various jobs at once, usually between 5 to 7 at a time. I have always kept a full schedule and did different types of jobs. I like exercising my skills and abilities and learning new ones. But, busy and hectic schedules call for less sleep and more stress, neither which aid in my anxiety. When living with anxiety, I have used different coping skills my whole life including my art, drawing and painting is calming and keeps me focused although I often struggle with wanting to rush my work and have a finished piece already. Being around animals, especially dogs, really helps me, as well as listening to certain music and going on long walks, and writing "to do" lists. Helping others helps me a lot. I find great joy in even the smallest of kind gestures. I like being generous with my time, money, and gift giving. Doing volunteer work has always helped me cope as well, despite being told before that my volunteer work is just me trying to prove that I'm a good person. Rude.
My biggest, and most favorite, way of easing my anxiety was my dog. For ten years my dog Charlie was my main outlet when it came to dealing with my anxiety. After his passing in July of 2017, I found my anxiety much harder to cope with. Everyone has certain triggers when it comes to their anxiety alongside an overall physiological senation. Money is one of mine. Again, that seems quite odd for an avid traveler like me. Travel costs money. Yes, of course it does. I've always been a very frugal person so it's no different when it comes to my travels. Although I have quite a bit in my savings and I have mastered the art of budget traveling, spending money still gives me quite a bit of anxiety.
It's hard for people to understand who don't have anxiety issues. It can be really complicated and frustrating trying to explain. I once heard someone put it this way; "explaining living with anxiety to someone who doesn't suffer from it is like trying to explain to a man the pain of giving birth". Yea, pretty much. Yes, everyone experiences anxiety of some level, it's a natural emotion. Just like anger, joy, and sorrow. Often, people associate anxiety with being stressed. That's not it.
What does this all have to do with my travels? Well, you see, it's a bit complex. My anxiety sparks my desire to travel (as well as my extreme interest in exploring all that the world has to offer). I often yearn to "fly away" when I feel overwhemled or anxious. I'm definitely always in "flight" mode rather than "fight" mode when it comes to uncomfortable or troublesome situations. But, of course, "flying away" doesn't cure or solve anything that's causing the anxiety in the first place. When I'm not enjoying the freedom that I have to travel so far and wide and so often, and when I'm not soaking up all of the beautiful landscapes, busy making new friends, and going on cool adventures, I'm struggling internally. I'm use to being alone. Traveling alone. I much prefer it. But, it's hard not to miss home. Not to miss your usual food, tv shows, your own bed, the smell of your home, and everything that you take for granted when you're not traveling. Traveling for long periods of time, changing locations often, poor nutrition, the lack of sleep; it all can take a huge toll on you not only physically bur definitely mentally. Therefore, as someone already dealing with anxiety on a daily basis, traveling can be really difficult at times.
It's really easy to tell all of the great sides of travel, to post only happy and positive things, to share the fun memories of travel, and to post only smiles and laughter but, the truth is, those are only snapshots. Literally. Snapshots that don't represent the daily struggles of anxiety. Snapshots that don't display the internal struggle of the mind. Snapshots that don't show the physiological symptoms that anxiety often brings. It's hard for me because I'm not a very negative person, especially on my social media and blogs. I try to always stay positive, uplifting, informative, and helpful. I always love receiving messages or comments from people or answering people's travel questions. People often tell me that they're envious of my life and my travels. Knowing that I'm living a life that so many people envy or desire to have, or that they think they envy or desire, makes me sad. Why sad? It makes me sad knowing that despite my incredible travels, I don't always fully enjoy them. I often feel like just giving up and going home. Some days I'm enjoying it all and other days I just want to stay in bed all day and sleep. There are many days that I feel so mentally and physically exhausted. There are days that I don't want to be around anyone, or struggle with communication, or hear all of the loud noises around me, or dodge all the car and motorbikes in the streets, or deal with all of the staring, or take another long bus ride, or eat the same street food that I've been eating for days, or walk to go anywhere. I just want to sleep. There are times when I book a private room and spend a few days as a recluse. But, then I feel guilty for "splurging" on a budget private room and staying indoors. I feel bad for feeling bad. There are so many people wishing to be where I am and travel like I am and here I am, wanting to be left alone and sleep all day. Coping while traveling can be really hard because I don't have my normal tools like my painting and drawing materials, my dog or other animals, or my usual tv shows to distract my mind.
Being in this state of mind often makes me question things. Am I doing the best for myself? Am I making the right choices? Am I wasting my time and money? Should I be at home trying to figure out my next steps in life? When will I have a family and settle down? What is my purpose? Who really am I as a person? What do I want out of life? What are my future career goals? Should I be spending money or saving it for a home or car or investments? Anxiety does this to you. It's like a little monster sitting on your shoulder. (My therapist told that one to me) I'm just pretty darn good at drowning it. I'm very much a person of the mind. Knowing that going home and ending a trip won't simply answer all of these questions so, I try to overcome my internal battles. I try to keep on, keeping on. To live life. To make the most out of life. To live with no regrets or "I wish I had"s. I try to maximize upon the years that I have so that the more years go by, I'm glad that I chose to work hard, try new things, learn new skills, challenge myself, see the world, give back when I could, help when I could, and simply make the most out of life as much as I could. Thats why I travel.
All of this is hard for someone struggling with anxiety, depression, and daily dark thoughts but,that's no reason to stop living. It's easy to just give up and go home. It's like losing a battle with your mind. It's easy to live in fear, be uncomfortable, and take the simple road. It's much more of a test of character and inner strength to push through it all and make the most out of life. Everyone has some sort of dreams. Go after them.
I've learned ways to cope and manage my anxiety. Talking with a therapist really helps too. Finding my outlets like being around animals and doing volunteer activities help tremendously. I was inspired to write this post not only because I'm currently traveling and it's something that I've been really struggling with since being away from home for almost 4 months but, because I've noticed quite a few celebrities "revealing" and opening up about their struggles with anxiety such as The Rock, Ryan Renalds, and Vin Diesel. I am also friends with some people on Facebook that often share depression and/or anxiety-related posts. Anxiety disorders are real. Anyone can struggles with one. It doesnt matter how famous, successful, rich, or attractive you are. Anxiety doesnt care. It doesn't care how many degrees you have, how many friends you have, how funny you are, how driven you are, how pretty you are, where you've been, what job you have. It will choose whomever it wants. Some of the most successful and richest people have struggled, and often lost, to anxiety and depression. Robin Williams being one of my favorites.
Mental health holds such a stigma. A stigma of embarrassment, of shame, of weakness, and of failure. Living with anxiety is no different from living with any other disease or disability that one struggles or deals with on a daily basis. Just because it's not visible, doesn't mean it doesnt exist. Doesn't mean that it's not "as bad". Doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. I actually enjoy sharing about my anxiety disorder. I don't find shame in it because it's nothing of my fault. I know that it's nothing that I, or anyone else, has caused or that have full control over. I think everyone should share more of their mental health struggles. The more it's talked about, the more others will understand it. I think it a lot more lives will not only be lived to their fullest but also saved.
